cracked

i had a pretty bad case of the mondays today. it was bad enough i got into a fight with my toothbrush.

while i was walking today, i realized i could not think of one single thing i have ever been 100% confident about. maybe the dude i like rightnow, but that could be the extent.

it's a bit tragic i think. there have been things i've thought i'm moderately good at, but nothing that i would full out say i'm great at- there has always been my own lack of confidence, someone to remind me that i cannot do it, or someone obviously better at said thing than me.

i think that's part of the reason i haven't been more proactive about getting my MT license. i'm scared i'm not good enough. that someone will second guess me and i will lose all authority. it's easy have a boring, menial job, because there isn't any commitment from me to do anything but show up on time.

i hav e certain level of confidence with coaching speech, but even that is hindered because i worry what i tell the kids wont mesh with with russ and adam tell them. those 2 are so on the same wavelength, i dont want to be wrong and rock the boat.

this is going to be a silly ramble if i don't stop now.

why i smoke

sometimes family shit is dumb. period. sometimes i really have those moments of feeling like i make more sense than my elders. that may be self-serving to say, but it's still what my brain says. i understand i'm young and don't have as much experience with life and drama and blah blah blah. however, my age is not a direct determination of my critical thinking skills. i may not have been alive to witness as many behaviors and attitudes, but some things are common sense. i can't even put into words the exact thoughts coursing through my over-worked brain right now.

diff'rent strokes

this is the only place i feel i can vent this, as none of the included parties would ever see it.

my stepsister announced plans she is getting married this fall to a guy that no one in the family likes. initially, they had talked about a wedding sometime next year. now, they are opting for october, partly because it will allow them a tax credit for first-time homebuyers.

of all i have heard, she's getting married for the wrong reasons. they do not have a great track record together as a couple. he has made disparaging remarks about her family and has gotten physical her with her, and not in the way olivia newton-john intended. he's aggrivating enough i can't even stand to see his face without being flooded with a pompei style bubbling anger.

after the news, i needed to vent, so i called my other step sister, who is also totally against the pending nuptuals. i should've known better, because she in turn called my step mom, which i think has created a slight level of tension.

engaged step-sis wants me to be in her wedding...as much as i disagree with the whole shebang, i cannot just say no. she and i are not anything resembling close, and I don't want to do anything to create an even deeper rift between us.

i relayed the above to my step-mom, who in a roundabout said that kids don't always make the right decisions, and as parents, you have to let them make mistakes. in a very quiet, subtle way, she made reference to my own marriage, which is worlds different than the current situation.

bottom line is this... i feel so tormented. the stubborn, hard-headed side says don't give in, stand your ground. then my heart has to get involved, and my gut is torn in two different directions. i want to talk to her. i don't want to bully or badger or scream or point fingers. i just want to know that she really thinks this is the best choice for her, and that she's not rushing into it. i am scared, as much as i don't know her, that this all going to end badly. i'm really worried about her. having feelings sucks.