ain't it funny

my bff was just in town for the weekend, her first time in this state and the surrounding areas. in many ways, we're very different, but i often think our similarities over-shadow this aspect our friendship. i debated about what we should do while she was here. sadly, we're both libras, and neither of us could make a decision. i thought she may even be content just chi-laxin and drinking coffee, knowing we didn't have to do anything we didn't want.

night 1: planes lands and we get back to the house- she wants to do something. cool.. however, it dawns on me that hubby and i don't really go out a ton. i take her to main st., downtown small town usa and we chill at a couple bars- it's all good.

next day: one's first visit to st. louis would not be complete without a trip to the Arch: the gateway to the west. she was...underwhelmed. next stop: Delmar Loop- cool shops and shit. meh.

night2: kareoke!!! not a 100% she enjoyed herself.

saturday: attempt at haunted alton: fail. finding haunted cemetery was a success though nothing happened. a visit to the Lemp mansion was ill-found. we ate dinner on the landing and headed back to mi casa.

sunday: made food, watchted a doc on zombies. she decided to see what there was to see on main st. the answer my friend, is nada. main street is as empty as ever on a sunday. visit to the mall: quick. we end up at a coffee shop, then off to the airport.

for me, it was a good weekend. i feel like we did a lot. there is a part of me that is seeing the old partying of my ways has parted and we do more chilln' than gettin cuh-razy. seems like she was expecting more excitement out of this visit, and i didn't deliver. i also saw some of our differences creeping around the edges. i love antique stores and wandering. she doesn't like antiques and kitchsy(sp?) shops aren't her vibe all the time either. now i know if she were to ever come back, i will have a killer itenerary planned

rabble rabble

healthcare reform is a booger. no doubt. i'll say this about our president- i think he is doing too much too fast- the healthcare system didn't get tangled up and diluted overnight, it won't be corrected overnight. at least he's trying to do something about it, unlike certain over-publizied republicans that keep saying "we need to wait, and think this through"
what have they been doing for the past 15 years? the time to start working towards recovery is now.
one sticking point, is how many people oppose reform, and their arguments. many people cite the new plan will 'ration' healthcare- well folks, that already happens. insurance companies already tell you what you can and cannot have. they make the decisions for you, whether you like it or not. let's say you have advance rheumatoid arthritis, and your medical provider believes you need to start treatment immediately and prescribes Enbrel. you submit your rx, and your insurance company says, "nope- sorry- enbrel is too expensive. you need to start with methotrexate (about 2 cents a pill) and work up from there." which you do. you have no choice. paying out of pocket for enbrel will cost you at least a couple grand a month. so you have to suffer for months, taking medications that fail, until the insurance company feels you've gone through the proper tiers. not an exteme example, but one readily available.
opponents also argue against 'end of life' care, which dictates those over the age of 65 may be denied life saving procedures (due to cost of course), and will instead be given a steady supply of prescriptions for management until they die.
again, something that has been taking place for a long time now. many people over the age of 65 are told by their PCP they may not survive the procedure because they're so old, brittle, etc, and often reccommend prescriptions to deal with the symptoms of whatever ailment they posess.
there are so many who also like to cite statistics of how many people needed treatment in (socialist) canada, and were so far down on the waiting list they either died or came to the united states for care.ahem. do we need to bring up how many American citizens go to pakistan for kidney transplants or taiwan for cancer treatment? how about the 9/11 volunteers who were promised health care assistance for chronic illness they developed over the course of helping search for survivors. they never received the money they were promised and had to go to Cuba (socialists), where they finally received the care they needed and deserved.
i think all americans deserve the right to basic healthcare rights. cause our country is so great, right? we've lost our focus on taking care of each other, and shifted to who can make the biggest profit- regardless of the expense on human life.

clueless

i got a new shirt at the dave matthews concert this past weekend. it's super cute, charcoal grey v-neck with 3/4 sleeves. printed on the front are circles of varying sizes and bright colors, and at the bottom, of course, 'Dave Matthews Band'

i got an x-large- which is what i always get in concert t-shirts. i put that sucker on to wear to the 2nd night of concert, and it was like trying to squeeze loose meat into a tiny piece of petrified intestine. the shirt was too small.

i call for hubby to tell him it's too small. he askes me to put it on again so he can see, so i abide. he says, "that looks hot"
i say, "it's not that bad, but i can put on a t-shirt"

he meant it looks like, hott, like, good.

i'm only

but not to be taken seriously
its fun to laugh and talk and play and joke,
but not when it's time to fight.
suggestions are taken with a bottle of salt
and slinking away for better advisement
it's easy to smile and be confidant,
it's a knife twisting to know it's nothing more.
a certain small bit i can have the domain, and impressive it is at that,
but the larger part,
the meaningful part,
is what i'll always see from far away-
what i'll always pretend is part of me
and pretend is loose at that...
it will never be me.
for that, envy, or jealousy, or nothing fills me to the brim.

cracked

i had a pretty bad case of the mondays today. it was bad enough i got into a fight with my toothbrush.

while i was walking today, i realized i could not think of one single thing i have ever been 100% confident about. maybe the dude i like rightnow, but that could be the extent.

it's a bit tragic i think. there have been things i've thought i'm moderately good at, but nothing that i would full out say i'm great at- there has always been my own lack of confidence, someone to remind me that i cannot do it, or someone obviously better at said thing than me.

i think that's part of the reason i haven't been more proactive about getting my MT license. i'm scared i'm not good enough. that someone will second guess me and i will lose all authority. it's easy have a boring, menial job, because there isn't any commitment from me to do anything but show up on time.

i hav e certain level of confidence with coaching speech, but even that is hindered because i worry what i tell the kids wont mesh with with russ and adam tell them. those 2 are so on the same wavelength, i dont want to be wrong and rock the boat.

this is going to be a silly ramble if i don't stop now.

why i smoke

sometimes family shit is dumb. period. sometimes i really have those moments of feeling like i make more sense than my elders. that may be self-serving to say, but it's still what my brain says. i understand i'm young and don't have as much experience with life and drama and blah blah blah. however, my age is not a direct determination of my critical thinking skills. i may not have been alive to witness as many behaviors and attitudes, but some things are common sense. i can't even put into words the exact thoughts coursing through my over-worked brain right now.

diff'rent strokes

this is the only place i feel i can vent this, as none of the included parties would ever see it.

my stepsister announced plans she is getting married this fall to a guy that no one in the family likes. initially, they had talked about a wedding sometime next year. now, they are opting for october, partly because it will allow them a tax credit for first-time homebuyers.

of all i have heard, she's getting married for the wrong reasons. they do not have a great track record together as a couple. he has made disparaging remarks about her family and has gotten physical her with her, and not in the way olivia newton-john intended. he's aggrivating enough i can't even stand to see his face without being flooded with a pompei style bubbling anger.

after the news, i needed to vent, so i called my other step sister, who is also totally against the pending nuptuals. i should've known better, because she in turn called my step mom, which i think has created a slight level of tension.

engaged step-sis wants me to be in her wedding...as much as i disagree with the whole shebang, i cannot just say no. she and i are not anything resembling close, and I don't want to do anything to create an even deeper rift between us.

i relayed the above to my step-mom, who in a roundabout said that kids don't always make the right decisions, and as parents, you have to let them make mistakes. in a very quiet, subtle way, she made reference to my own marriage, which is worlds different than the current situation.

bottom line is this... i feel so tormented. the stubborn, hard-headed side says don't give in, stand your ground. then my heart has to get involved, and my gut is torn in two different directions. i want to talk to her. i don't want to bully or badger or scream or point fingers. i just want to know that she really thinks this is the best choice for her, and that she's not rushing into it. i am scared, as much as i don't know her, that this all going to end badly. i'm really worried about her. having feelings sucks.