ain't it funny

my bff was just in town for the weekend, her first time in this state and the surrounding areas. in many ways, we're very different, but i often think our similarities over-shadow this aspect our friendship. i debated about what we should do while she was here. sadly, we're both libras, and neither of us could make a decision. i thought she may even be content just chi-laxin and drinking coffee, knowing we didn't have to do anything we didn't want.

night 1: planes lands and we get back to the house- she wants to do something. cool.. however, it dawns on me that hubby and i don't really go out a ton. i take her to main st., downtown small town usa and we chill at a couple bars- it's all good.

next day: one's first visit to st. louis would not be complete without a trip to the Arch: the gateway to the west. she was...underwhelmed. next stop: Delmar Loop- cool shops and shit. meh.

night2: kareoke!!! not a 100% she enjoyed herself.

saturday: attempt at haunted alton: fail. finding haunted cemetery was a success though nothing happened. a visit to the Lemp mansion was ill-found. we ate dinner on the landing and headed back to mi casa.

sunday: made food, watchted a doc on zombies. she decided to see what there was to see on main st. the answer my friend, is nada. main street is as empty as ever on a sunday. visit to the mall: quick. we end up at a coffee shop, then off to the airport.

for me, it was a good weekend. i feel like we did a lot. there is a part of me that is seeing the old partying of my ways has parted and we do more chilln' than gettin cuh-razy. seems like she was expecting more excitement out of this visit, and i didn't deliver. i also saw some of our differences creeping around the edges. i love antique stores and wandering. she doesn't like antiques and kitchsy(sp?) shops aren't her vibe all the time either. now i know if she were to ever come back, i will have a killer itenerary planned

rabble rabble

healthcare reform is a booger. no doubt. i'll say this about our president- i think he is doing too much too fast- the healthcare system didn't get tangled up and diluted overnight, it won't be corrected overnight. at least he's trying to do something about it, unlike certain over-publizied republicans that keep saying "we need to wait, and think this through"
what have they been doing for the past 15 years? the time to start working towards recovery is now.
one sticking point, is how many people oppose reform, and their arguments. many people cite the new plan will 'ration' healthcare- well folks, that already happens. insurance companies already tell you what you can and cannot have. they make the decisions for you, whether you like it or not. let's say you have advance rheumatoid arthritis, and your medical provider believes you need to start treatment immediately and prescribes Enbrel. you submit your rx, and your insurance company says, "nope- sorry- enbrel is too expensive. you need to start with methotrexate (about 2 cents a pill) and work up from there." which you do. you have no choice. paying out of pocket for enbrel will cost you at least a couple grand a month. so you have to suffer for months, taking medications that fail, until the insurance company feels you've gone through the proper tiers. not an exteme example, but one readily available.
opponents also argue against 'end of life' care, which dictates those over the age of 65 may be denied life saving procedures (due to cost of course), and will instead be given a steady supply of prescriptions for management until they die.
again, something that has been taking place for a long time now. many people over the age of 65 are told by their PCP they may not survive the procedure because they're so old, brittle, etc, and often reccommend prescriptions to deal with the symptoms of whatever ailment they posess.
there are so many who also like to cite statistics of how many people needed treatment in (socialist) canada, and were so far down on the waiting list they either died or came to the united states for care.ahem. do we need to bring up how many American citizens go to pakistan for kidney transplants or taiwan for cancer treatment? how about the 9/11 volunteers who were promised health care assistance for chronic illness they developed over the course of helping search for survivors. they never received the money they were promised and had to go to Cuba (socialists), where they finally received the care they needed and deserved.
i think all americans deserve the right to basic healthcare rights. cause our country is so great, right? we've lost our focus on taking care of each other, and shifted to who can make the biggest profit- regardless of the expense on human life.

clueless

i got a new shirt at the dave matthews concert this past weekend. it's super cute, charcoal grey v-neck with 3/4 sleeves. printed on the front are circles of varying sizes and bright colors, and at the bottom, of course, 'Dave Matthews Band'

i got an x-large- which is what i always get in concert t-shirts. i put that sucker on to wear to the 2nd night of concert, and it was like trying to squeeze loose meat into a tiny piece of petrified intestine. the shirt was too small.

i call for hubby to tell him it's too small. he askes me to put it on again so he can see, so i abide. he says, "that looks hot"
i say, "it's not that bad, but i can put on a t-shirt"

he meant it looks like, hott, like, good.

i'm only

but not to be taken seriously
its fun to laugh and talk and play and joke,
but not when it's time to fight.
suggestions are taken with a bottle of salt
and slinking away for better advisement
it's easy to smile and be confidant,
it's a knife twisting to know it's nothing more.
a certain small bit i can have the domain, and impressive it is at that,
but the larger part,
the meaningful part,
is what i'll always see from far away-
what i'll always pretend is part of me
and pretend is loose at that...
it will never be me.
for that, envy, or jealousy, or nothing fills me to the brim.

cracked

i had a pretty bad case of the mondays today. it was bad enough i got into a fight with my toothbrush.

while i was walking today, i realized i could not think of one single thing i have ever been 100% confident about. maybe the dude i like rightnow, but that could be the extent.

it's a bit tragic i think. there have been things i've thought i'm moderately good at, but nothing that i would full out say i'm great at- there has always been my own lack of confidence, someone to remind me that i cannot do it, or someone obviously better at said thing than me.

i think that's part of the reason i haven't been more proactive about getting my MT license. i'm scared i'm not good enough. that someone will second guess me and i will lose all authority. it's easy have a boring, menial job, because there isn't any commitment from me to do anything but show up on time.

i hav e certain level of confidence with coaching speech, but even that is hindered because i worry what i tell the kids wont mesh with with russ and adam tell them. those 2 are so on the same wavelength, i dont want to be wrong and rock the boat.

this is going to be a silly ramble if i don't stop now.

why i smoke

sometimes family shit is dumb. period. sometimes i really have those moments of feeling like i make more sense than my elders. that may be self-serving to say, but it's still what my brain says. i understand i'm young and don't have as much experience with life and drama and blah blah blah. however, my age is not a direct determination of my critical thinking skills. i may not have been alive to witness as many behaviors and attitudes, but some things are common sense. i can't even put into words the exact thoughts coursing through my over-worked brain right now.

diff'rent strokes

this is the only place i feel i can vent this, as none of the included parties would ever see it.

my stepsister announced plans she is getting married this fall to a guy that no one in the family likes. initially, they had talked about a wedding sometime next year. now, they are opting for october, partly because it will allow them a tax credit for first-time homebuyers.

of all i have heard, she's getting married for the wrong reasons. they do not have a great track record together as a couple. he has made disparaging remarks about her family and has gotten physical her with her, and not in the way olivia newton-john intended. he's aggrivating enough i can't even stand to see his face without being flooded with a pompei style bubbling anger.

after the news, i needed to vent, so i called my other step sister, who is also totally against the pending nuptuals. i should've known better, because she in turn called my step mom, which i think has created a slight level of tension.

engaged step-sis wants me to be in her wedding...as much as i disagree with the whole shebang, i cannot just say no. she and i are not anything resembling close, and I don't want to do anything to create an even deeper rift between us.

i relayed the above to my step-mom, who in a roundabout said that kids don't always make the right decisions, and as parents, you have to let them make mistakes. in a very quiet, subtle way, she made reference to my own marriage, which is worlds different than the current situation.

bottom line is this... i feel so tormented. the stubborn, hard-headed side says don't give in, stand your ground. then my heart has to get involved, and my gut is torn in two different directions. i want to talk to her. i don't want to bully or badger or scream or point fingers. i just want to know that she really thinks this is the best choice for her, and that she's not rushing into it. i am scared, as much as i don't know her, that this all going to end badly. i'm really worried about her. having feelings sucks.

smoking cessation in t-7days!

i'm super stoked about it!

it's really hard to be in a relationship and decide you want to quit when the other isn't ready. it's very difficult when one is overly dependant on the habit as their primary stress reliever when they have a very stressful every day life. that being said, now that summer has begun and classes are over, we're starting the journey. i hate to say anything about until i can actually mark a true progress, however i am excited.

i realize the health risks associated with that damned ole' nicotine and all 87 additives in each manufactured cig. it's more than that. when we're around people who don't smoke, i feel a bit selfish constantly going outside or walking away from a group. it makes me a little self-conscious to have such a noticeable addiction. a lot of people have addictions that are easily hidden and therefore they're less likely to be so readily judged.

i hope it sticks. i really do. the physiological addiction to cigarettes rivals that of herion. if people can quit that, i hope i can forever quit smokes. the true test will be bar-hopping and chillin' with the buds that continue to light up. i think if we can truly use each other as the primary support system, we can work our way through it.

arghhhh

i need someone that is willing to be a true buddy. i've been trying to focus on weight loss, as well as toning what i've already got. i'll do really well, and start to see results and then i will sabotage everything in ONE week end. one! how is that even possible?

it doesn't help that i live with someone who really just doesn't care. he doesn't have any desire to modify his eating habits, thereby affecting me. i know he's being thoughtful when he picks me up something at the store, but that thoughtful zinger will only push me further into the throes of dietary despair.

i need someone who would be around, starting friday at about 6:00, to smack me on the nose with a newspaper any time i pick up something i shouldn't. like that 5th plate of chinease buffet food.

sunny days, sweeping the clouds away

what a wonderful day!! for the first time this week i woke up and was able to breath and my chest didn't hurt. i washed and waxed the vehicles, planted some flowers, and mourned the death of my crepe mrytle. once that was removed, i planted some lovlies to take its place. i pulled some weeds and mulched some pesky leaves that were caught in the fence.

i also reached true neighbor-dom today! man across the street asked to borrow clippers for his grape vines. after using them, not only did he thank me, but complimented those cute little shears.

i'm sunburnt, dirty, and tired. I've sweated through my bra and scraped the hell out of my knuckles. i couldn't be happier.

family affair

i hate that i have a 'set' day to talk to people, but i do. sunday is usually my day to chat with various members of family. seems like it's always a good day to catch folks for a minute without feeling rushed.

i just got off the phone with my grandma. we talked for over an hour, about all manner of things. you know what? my grandma is bad ass, no lie. when we talk, i don't baby talk like a lot of people do to their grandparents. i've heard some people have conversations with their g-rents and talk to them like babies. you know they're people too right? they can have normal conversations. for example, today, we talked about antiques, lucid dreams, and andrew zimmer eating penises.

i think too often people take their family for granted. some people even dread visiting their family because it takes away from other important things. but some day, those people are going to be dead and there's gonna be a crapload of regret. take out 30 minutes and reach and touch someone.

april challenge

no foolin' here.

i challenge anyone who may stumble upon this to learn something new. for example, if you take vitamins, know what you're taking. stress b-complex is not valium. it does not work instaneously. so, next time you're co-worker is talking about their bad day, do not offer them a b-vit. it will do nothing but maybe give them an upset stomach.

what have i learned recently? true wasabi is an extremely rare plant/root/herb. the majority of wasabi you get is actually horseradish with green food coloring. food for thought.

headphones required

when i go to the gym, i always have my trusty music and headphones. there are 3 reasons for this:
1. i need my tunes to keep me truckin' along
2. people will not talk to me.
3. i don't have to listen to other people talk.

Husband and I go to the gym this evening, and neither of us has our music. at first, it's no great calamity because we're lifting weights. however, when we move to bicycles, it turns out to be cataclysmic. there's some dopey women behind us, all tittering on and on and on about their obnoxious eating/exercising habits.

one women says, panting (and so much she should get the hint and stop talking) "i gave up bread, pasta, wheat, and even my dr. pepper! i was at so and so's house, and she made homeade cinnamon rolls. she got the recipe off the internet. anyhow, did i eat one? no!!"

and she's proud of this? quite frankly, that sounds like a terrible existence. and stupid. but i guess she has something to brag about now. i thought of her as i ate my jimmy john's sub with delicious, bakery-fresh bread and bacon.

home

it's always good to go home. i live in fairly busy little-city and home is a farm in the country, surrounded only by little blips of towns. it's a different world just a short trip away. everything moves at a slower pace and the importance placed on things is always exchanged.

while i was there, i didn't think about checking facebook or myspace or my email. i didn't care about checking out apps for my iTouch. it was all about sitting outside, watching nothing and everything.

it does my heart good and clears my head. entertainment is not youtube, it's watching a country squirrel torment dogs. it's watching my little brother think he can clear the fish pond in one jump. there's no make up, no shoes, and no tivo to catch up on.

we eat where i'm from. and drink. but when we eat, it's never thinking about how many calories is in this, or how much fat is in that. it's about being together and being thankful for what we have. drinking ain't fancy at home; there aren't little umbrellas or top shelf anything. water comes out of the tap, not a bottle. oh we still socialize, but when you're drinking a beer watching a smoker and talking about the stockyards in the 70's and how Salem had the best prices on cattle at auctions, it reminds how much i hate over-crowded bars and too-loud music.

maybe i'm sentimental. but. home does me a world of good.

riddle me this

the government was real quick to approve massive bank mergers. we've gone from several national banks, to just a handful. because of their greed, our country is facing the economic downturn that's blasted to us from every news venue 24/7.

so how is it bank mergers have happened so super fast when the xm/sirius merger took months and months and months of deliberation?